First and Foremost

I'm not sure what I'm doing on this page. In fact, I'm not really sure of anything anymore. I have spent the last ten months trying to comprehend what happened to me and my family, why it happened and what we are supposed to do now. 

I buried my husband at the age of 62 - quite suddenly and with no warning. It is impossible to describe the feelings, emotions and questions that come sometimes in a torrent but often times as subtle as a gentle rain. Of course everyone understands the initial shock and the could of, should of, would of syndrome....but when that goes away what is left?

Life goes on...Yes - after a whirlwind adrenaline rush of doctors, hospitals, decisions and the total panic of choosing a casket, following a hearse and hearing the 'dust to dust' thing - life goes on...but never the same.

I suppose I could join a support group, see a therapist or even just ignore all the feelings and thoughts...but perhaps, if I can put it down in writing and see it all before me, I can begin to make some kind of sense out of it. It is so much bigger than life - this dying thing. And for those of us left behind it is a constant reminder of how short life really is.