Family...

Well..today is the day I have been putting off for a while now. I have to file the first accounting of the Estate with the Registar of Wills and it's just so damn difficult. I think because it's so final. I have everything together - notes, receipts, bills....yadda..yadda. Now I have to get it all on paper. 

I remember when the kids and I first started this thing. We walked into the house and just looked around - paralyzed, unbelieving, awkward....sad. I am so proud of them all. I could never have done this without them - all of them. They were with me from the very beginning and in their own ways - have stayed with me through it all. They were my motivation - my reason for wanting to see this whole mess through. 

So many different personalities - each with their own thoughts and feelings. It's at a time like this that the true nature of relationships come forward. Through the whole process of picking up the pieces, we all learned something about ourselves and each other. The puzzle fell apart - and with every challenge, difficulty, tear, decision and sometimes laughter - we are slowly putting the puzzle back together to form a different picture. A picture that will take the shape of those willing to come together and make it a wonderful scene.

No matter what has happened...we are all still a family. Their is no rule book that tells us how to act, think or feel when someone important leaves us. But one thing is for certain, in the end, your family will be the ones standing with you - loving you. 

A haunting we will go!

So I'm shopping today...just looking around...so many pretty things. All of a sudden I saw this beautiful flowered blouse and the first thing that popped in my mind was - 'David would love this'.  WTH!!!  I can't remember the last time I bought a piece of clothing with him in mind. In fact, I destroyed all of the lingerie that reminded me of him. So how does this happen today?? Maybe he was following me around for some reason. I wish I could SEE him :(   

Who gets the kids??

What about the kids? I have been worried about the kids ever since I found out my husband was dying. The problem is they don't all belong to me even though I feel like they do. I've known most of them since they were young children. I have been a part of their lives in one way or another for 24 years + some. But they have a Mom and it's not me. And now that their Dad is gone...I'm not sure what I am or how I fit in. 

I know that I will always be the link to their Dad. And I will help all of them to remember him, reminisce about him and celebrate him. I hope they let me.

It's all so final....

What I wouldn't give to hear him answer the phone one more time...'Hi Sweetie'...I can still hear it as clear as if it were yesterday. I always called him while I was driving to work and he always sounded so happy to hear my voice. And he always ended with ' call me again sometime'...as if I wouldn't. Will I always be able to hear his voice? Will it fade with time? 

Gotcha!

So you're just going along, doing your thing, living your life and WHAM! Something just hits  you right up side your head. Catches you totally off guard. Takes your breath. Makes you remember what you try so hard to forget. I Suppose we will all be a memory one day.

Note to Self

Definitely do not leave a house full of stuff that my children will need to dispose of or otherwise figure out what to do with.

Ashes to Ashes

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust....how did we get to all of this fancy casket and vault stuff. I mean whatever happened to the pine box? And why don't we annoint our loved ones like they did in the biblical days. Why do we rely on perfect strangers at funeral homes to makeover our loved ones? Are we afraid to touch them after they die - um YES! I feel so guilty..leaving my husband alone after his final breath. I should have stayed with him and held his hand. I know it was still warm. But instead, I ran out of the room like the house was on fire. I should have stayed with him and held his hand. Instead, I grabbed the phone and called my children to tell them he was gone. I should have stayed with him and held his hand. Instead, I called the hospice nurse. I should have stayed with him and held his hand. Instead, I sat on the front porch and waited for I'm not really sure what. I should have stayed with him and held his hand. How I wish I could have that moment back. This time I would have stayed with him and held his hand.

Making any sense??

Okay...so you walk into the funeral home and you see this person lying in this casket and it vaguely resembles your husband and he has this quirky smile on his face and your first instinct is to straighten his collar!!!!  WTH!!!!!  I really don't like to go to the funeral parlor and certainly never thought I would be seeing my husband lying in this casket with his eyes all glued shut and his hands folded like they do. And whats that all about anyway...I mean he should have been holding his phone or something. It just all looks so fake. He surely isn't here - in this room - at this moment. I don't think anyway. But then you can never be certain can you. What if he was watching? All of us looking at him, talking about him. The awkward glances and held back tears. What do you do, what do you say, how do you act? I couldn't imagine having a room full of people talking and laughing and acting like there wasn't a dead body lying there. What a joke - people that haven't really mattered anyway or just passed through his life at one time. 

I'm so grateful and blessed that only our children and two loving brothers were there to see the body at peace before we closed it off to the world. Two nights before it had been filled with disease and fear. And then it flowed out of him and he was gone. And now the body rests in peace....and maybe that is why we do this thing at the funeral parlor. It helps us feel better to see the peace after all the pain.

But I still had to straighten his collar.

It's a Family Affair..

So wishing he could see his Grandson graduate. He would have been so proud. He would have loved the party. Being the center of attention as he always tried to be. Making grand gestures and corny attempts at being the 'cool' guy. Sometimes insulting and obnoxious. Flirting with the ladies and annoying his daughter. Such a huge presence in any room he walked into. You definitely knew he was there. So the question...was it all an act? Did he do it on purpose - and why? 

Some people didn't invite him to family affairs because of his behavior. I guess now they don't have to worry...


It was always an adventure attending family affairs with him. I never thought I would be doing it alone.

It's just not FAIR!

So my grandson (step) but he feels like my grandson is graduating from high school tonite. His grandfather won't be there because he's six feet under and I don't have a date! 

How could he just go and leave me to do this by myself? He should be here watching his grandson walk across that stage...watching all of his grandchildren walk across the stage. It just doesn't seem fair!

It's no picnic being left behind..

So how is it that when someone dies you suddenly find yourself thinking about them all the time?  Like how much they would love the beautiful sunny morning as you're walking into work or how they would tell you you were crazy for wanting to roam around New York City all day. It's always there lingering in the back of your mind - what he is missing, what would he be thinking, how would he feel. Wouldn't it be great if....wish we could do this...

...and then the world comes rushing in and the thought is but a thought, a fleeting moment in the day. Of course in reality he is missing nothing. I am simply the one missing him.