Well here we are...September 1st. The month that will forever be difficult for me. I successfully filled up August with wonderful family moments to celebrate the end of a very stressful year (and that's putting it mildly). But I don't want to wallow in self-pity and I am determined to get through this month with out becoming a blubbering fool. Sufficient to say that not a day goes by that I don't think about my husband or wish he was still here with us. I still pick up the phone to call him. I still think about him when I walk past the pond everyday. I still wonder where he was and how it all works when you leave this world behind. So wish me luck as I begin this month....

Hiding

I am so hiding from you Mr. Blogger this month. I am trying so hard not to remember this time last year. I even escaped on two, yes TWO, vacations to try and distract myself. But, alas, it all still manages to creep in. Somehow I feel obligated to write...not sure why. It's not like I'm going to get in trouble for missing time or anything. So here it is - this time last year I was caught up in the most frightening, horrifying, shocking experience of my lifetime. It plays over and over in my head like an old movie reel that never stops going around. I don't want to think about it...it haunts me.

Traitor?

I feel like a traitor or maybe an imposter...whatever I think I just figured it out. Our favorite thing to do always involved the out of doors, camping, mountains, hiking - roughing it. We have tons of pictures to prove it too. When we first met our favorite thing to do was drive down to the potomac river on the weekend and lay on the riverbank. Most times we never took a tent. Just a sleeping bag, campfire and the stars. I remember our battery operated radio played the 'new' Boston album in it's entirety  one Saturday night. We fell in love with it. Played the music at our wedding many years later. But I'm rambling...

Most of my memories with my husband involve some type of outdoor camping or something along those lines. As we got older we got a little more fancy. We stayed in a beautiful cabin on our honeymoon in the smokey mountains, complete with a hot tub and remote controlled tv - a far cry from the riverbank. When we decided to buy our vacation property it was 12 acres in the mountains of Cumberland/PA. Such great plans for that property. Nothing like waking up in the morning and standing on the porch looking at the mountain view - the only sounds were birds and the breeze in the treetops.

I guess you get my point. So now - all I want to do is be at the beach.  ????  

What does it mean?

This week I turned 55...and I must say I'm not feeling it this year. I just feel indifferent. Not happy, not sad - nothing. In fact, I would have rather not even celebrated. I really wanted to hear the "Happy Birthday Sweetie" and it just wasn't there. Strange thing is we used to go to dinner every year with two other couples. Three of us had Birthdays in the same week. Now three are gone. We have no more couples...only three single people. It's all very strange indeed. So we met for dinner and we toasted our spouses who are no longer with us. 

...and life goes on

...and life goes on - and the sun rises and the sun sets everyday. There is not enough space, or time or energy to list the multitude of questions that run through my mind with the dawning of each new day. How significant is one life? Where does all that energy go? Why so soon?  What do I do with my passion? Does he see me? Hear me? Is he happy? Content? Why now? Why this way? Why can't I talk to him? Why doesn't he talk to me? Is there really a heaven? Another dimension? Were family and friends there to meet him? What do we do without him? What does it all mean? Why are we here anyway? OMG - what if there is a hell? Is living on earth really hell? Are we re-incarnated? What would he be? Would I recognize him? Did the angels come for him? Was it peaceful? 

Does he still love me?

C'est Fini....

Okay - It's finished - it's mailed - i'm done. Think i'll have a drink. No...make that two.

A home...or just 4 walls?

Someone asked me last night how it went with the house....something that took many months...from the first time we walked through the door to the day I went to settlement....

Sufficient to say...it was like erasing a life - his and mine.