Well here we are...September 1st. The month that will forever be difficult for me. I successfully filled up August with wonderful family moments to celebrate the end of a very stressful year (and that's putting it mildly). But I don't want to wallow in self-pity and I am determined to get through this month with out becoming a blubbering fool. Sufficient to say that not a day goes by that I don't think about my husband or wish he was still here with us. I still pick up the phone to call him. I still think about him when I walk past the pond everyday. I still wonder where he was and how it all works when you leave this world behind. So wish me luck as I begin this month....

Hiding

I am so hiding from you Mr. Blogger this month. I am trying so hard not to remember this time last year. I even escaped on two, yes TWO, vacations to try and distract myself. But, alas, it all still manages to creep in. Somehow I feel obligated to write...not sure why. It's not like I'm going to get in trouble for missing time or anything. So here it is - this time last year I was caught up in the most frightening, horrifying, shocking experience of my lifetime. It plays over and over in my head like an old movie reel that never stops going around. I don't want to think about it...it haunts me.

Traitor?

I feel like a traitor or maybe an imposter...whatever I think I just figured it out. Our favorite thing to do always involved the out of doors, camping, mountains, hiking - roughing it. We have tons of pictures to prove it too. When we first met our favorite thing to do was drive down to the potomac river on the weekend and lay on the riverbank. Most times we never took a tent. Just a sleeping bag, campfire and the stars. I remember our battery operated radio played the 'new' Boston album in it's entirety  one Saturday night. We fell in love with it. Played the music at our wedding many years later. But I'm rambling...

Most of my memories with my husband involve some type of outdoor camping or something along those lines. As we got older we got a little more fancy. We stayed in a beautiful cabin on our honeymoon in the smokey mountains, complete with a hot tub and remote controlled tv - a far cry from the riverbank. When we decided to buy our vacation property it was 12 acres in the mountains of Cumberland/PA. Such great plans for that property. Nothing like waking up in the morning and standing on the porch looking at the mountain view - the only sounds were birds and the breeze in the treetops.

I guess you get my point. So now - all I want to do is be at the beach.  ????  

What does it mean?

This week I turned 55...and I must say I'm not feeling it this year. I just feel indifferent. Not happy, not sad - nothing. In fact, I would have rather not even celebrated. I really wanted to hear the "Happy Birthday Sweetie" and it just wasn't there. Strange thing is we used to go to dinner every year with two other couples. Three of us had Birthdays in the same week. Now three are gone. We have no more couples...only three single people. It's all very strange indeed. So we met for dinner and we toasted our spouses who are no longer with us. 

...and life goes on

...and life goes on - and the sun rises and the sun sets everyday. There is not enough space, or time or energy to list the multitude of questions that run through my mind with the dawning of each new day. How significant is one life? Where does all that energy go? Why so soon?  What do I do with my passion? Does he see me? Hear me? Is he happy? Content? Why now? Why this way? Why can't I talk to him? Why doesn't he talk to me? Is there really a heaven? Another dimension? Were family and friends there to meet him? What do we do without him? What does it all mean? Why are we here anyway? OMG - what if there is a hell? Is living on earth really hell? Are we re-incarnated? What would he be? Would I recognize him? Did the angels come for him? Was it peaceful? 

Does he still love me?

C'est Fini....

Okay - It's finished - it's mailed - i'm done. Think i'll have a drink. No...make that two.

A home...or just 4 walls?

Someone asked me last night how it went with the house....something that took many months...from the first time we walked through the door to the day I went to settlement....

Sufficient to say...it was like erasing a life - his and mine. 

Family...

Well..today is the day I have been putting off for a while now. I have to file the first accounting of the Estate with the Registar of Wills and it's just so damn difficult. I think because it's so final. I have everything together - notes, receipts, bills....yadda..yadda. Now I have to get it all on paper. 

I remember when the kids and I first started this thing. We walked into the house and just looked around - paralyzed, unbelieving, awkward....sad. I am so proud of them all. I could never have done this without them - all of them. They were with me from the very beginning and in their own ways - have stayed with me through it all. They were my motivation - my reason for wanting to see this whole mess through. 

So many different personalities - each with their own thoughts and feelings. It's at a time like this that the true nature of relationships come forward. Through the whole process of picking up the pieces, we all learned something about ourselves and each other. The puzzle fell apart - and with every challenge, difficulty, tear, decision and sometimes laughter - we are slowly putting the puzzle back together to form a different picture. A picture that will take the shape of those willing to come together and make it a wonderful scene.

No matter what has happened...we are all still a family. Their is no rule book that tells us how to act, think or feel when someone important leaves us. But one thing is for certain, in the end, your family will be the ones standing with you - loving you. 

A haunting we will go!

So I'm shopping today...just looking around...so many pretty things. All of a sudden I saw this beautiful flowered blouse and the first thing that popped in my mind was - 'David would love this'.  WTH!!!  I can't remember the last time I bought a piece of clothing with him in mind. In fact, I destroyed all of the lingerie that reminded me of him. So how does this happen today?? Maybe he was following me around for some reason. I wish I could SEE him :(   

Who gets the kids??

What about the kids? I have been worried about the kids ever since I found out my husband was dying. The problem is they don't all belong to me even though I feel like they do. I've known most of them since they were young children. I have been a part of their lives in one way or another for 24 years + some. But they have a Mom and it's not me. And now that their Dad is gone...I'm not sure what I am or how I fit in. 

I know that I will always be the link to their Dad. And I will help all of them to remember him, reminisce about him and celebrate him. I hope they let me.

It's all so final....

What I wouldn't give to hear him answer the phone one more time...'Hi Sweetie'...I can still hear it as clear as if it were yesterday. I always called him while I was driving to work and he always sounded so happy to hear my voice. And he always ended with ' call me again sometime'...as if I wouldn't. Will I always be able to hear his voice? Will it fade with time? 

Gotcha!

So you're just going along, doing your thing, living your life and WHAM! Something just hits  you right up side your head. Catches you totally off guard. Takes your breath. Makes you remember what you try so hard to forget. I Suppose we will all be a memory one day.

Note to Self

Definitely do not leave a house full of stuff that my children will need to dispose of or otherwise figure out what to do with.

Ashes to Ashes

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust....how did we get to all of this fancy casket and vault stuff. I mean whatever happened to the pine box? And why don't we annoint our loved ones like they did in the biblical days. Why do we rely on perfect strangers at funeral homes to makeover our loved ones? Are we afraid to touch them after they die - um YES! I feel so guilty..leaving my husband alone after his final breath. I should have stayed with him and held his hand. I know it was still warm. But instead, I ran out of the room like the house was on fire. I should have stayed with him and held his hand. Instead, I grabbed the phone and called my children to tell them he was gone. I should have stayed with him and held his hand. Instead, I called the hospice nurse. I should have stayed with him and held his hand. Instead, I sat on the front porch and waited for I'm not really sure what. I should have stayed with him and held his hand. How I wish I could have that moment back. This time I would have stayed with him and held his hand.

Making any sense??

Okay...so you walk into the funeral home and you see this person lying in this casket and it vaguely resembles your husband and he has this quirky smile on his face and your first instinct is to straighten his collar!!!!  WTH!!!!!  I really don't like to go to the funeral parlor and certainly never thought I would be seeing my husband lying in this casket with his eyes all glued shut and his hands folded like they do. And whats that all about anyway...I mean he should have been holding his phone or something. It just all looks so fake. He surely isn't here - in this room - at this moment. I don't think anyway. But then you can never be certain can you. What if he was watching? All of us looking at him, talking about him. The awkward glances and held back tears. What do you do, what do you say, how do you act? I couldn't imagine having a room full of people talking and laughing and acting like there wasn't a dead body lying there. What a joke - people that haven't really mattered anyway or just passed through his life at one time. 

I'm so grateful and blessed that only our children and two loving brothers were there to see the body at peace before we closed it off to the world. Two nights before it had been filled with disease and fear. And then it flowed out of him and he was gone. And now the body rests in peace....and maybe that is why we do this thing at the funeral parlor. It helps us feel better to see the peace after all the pain.

But I still had to straighten his collar.

It's a Family Affair..

So wishing he could see his Grandson graduate. He would have been so proud. He would have loved the party. Being the center of attention as he always tried to be. Making grand gestures and corny attempts at being the 'cool' guy. Sometimes insulting and obnoxious. Flirting with the ladies and annoying his daughter. Such a huge presence in any room he walked into. You definitely knew he was there. So the question...was it all an act? Did he do it on purpose - and why? 

Some people didn't invite him to family affairs because of his behavior. I guess now they don't have to worry...


It was always an adventure attending family affairs with him. I never thought I would be doing it alone.

It's just not FAIR!

So my grandson (step) but he feels like my grandson is graduating from high school tonite. His grandfather won't be there because he's six feet under and I don't have a date! 

How could he just go and leave me to do this by myself? He should be here watching his grandson walk across that stage...watching all of his grandchildren walk across the stage. It just doesn't seem fair!

It's no picnic being left behind..

So how is it that when someone dies you suddenly find yourself thinking about them all the time?  Like how much they would love the beautiful sunny morning as you're walking into work or how they would tell you you were crazy for wanting to roam around New York City all day. It's always there lingering in the back of your mind - what he is missing, what would he be thinking, how would he feel. Wouldn't it be great if....wish we could do this...

...and then the world comes rushing in and the thought is but a thought, a fleeting moment in the day. Of course in reality he is missing nothing. I am simply the one missing him.

Music of the Night

Music has always been a source of pleasure for me until last September. I couldn't listen to anything without a waterfall pouring down my face. I never realized how my whole life could be played out on the radio. Every song I heard reminded me of a time, place, event, feeling...whatever! And it didn't matter what station. It is amazing how music is like a fabric woven through everything we do. So I turned it OFF...all of it...completely. I drove in silence. I didn't want to remember.

So gradually I began to listen again. It's not so bad now. Lots of songs even make me smile when the memories come along. In fact, I find myself seeking out the stations that play the music that will trigger the memories. It is truly bizarre the way the human mind works. But I don't question - only observe. And I have decided to let things flow and happen however they need to. It's like a twilight zone episode sometimes. Part of me is existing in the past and then before I know it...I am here in the present.

Why does this happen??  I have been living in the present for years - someone dies and all of a sudden you have two separate lives. And all of the music, the pictures, the memories...they linger around and keep dragging you back into that other life. The one you had and somehow lost. Like dust in the wind...

Note to Self

Definitely do not begin to go through boxes of Christmas Decorations - with the intention of consolidating  - without alcoholic reinforcements

Dreams.....for Real?

I don't dream. period. I lay down my head, go to sleep and remember nothing until morning. It has been like that always. No nightmares, no knights in shining armour - nothing. Or at least, if I have, I don't ever recall them.

So what is with the dreams?? And why am I having them now? And why is my husband always in them in one way or another?? Thank God it's not every night....but at least once a week since last October I have been dreaming and I actually remember them. Sometimes they make complete sense and I recognize everyone and everything that is happening in them. And they are so REAL.  Other times they make absolutely no sense at all - or so it seems.

I have been hoping, ever since that terrible night last September, that he would connect with me in some way. Damn - I wouldn't even be afraid if he appeared to me. I just want to see him, talk to him. Somehow to know that it's not OVER for good. I just want to know that he isn't lonely or frightened. I want to know so many things - things that those of us that are left behind sadly will never know...sigh...until our time comes.

Maybe, just maybe, the dreams are his way of contacting me. He always knew that I never dreamed. We would laugh about how HIS nightmares would keep us both up at night. He had some terrible ones. They were always about people chasing him to do him some kind of harm. He was always trying to get away....and he finally succeeded.

So what to make of these dreams. Do I try to figure them out or just enjoy the times that we are spending together in my mind while I sleep..

First and Foremost

I'm not sure what I'm doing on this page. In fact, I'm not really sure of anything anymore. I have spent the last ten months trying to comprehend what happened to me and my family, why it happened and what we are supposed to do now. 

I buried my husband at the age of 62 - quite suddenly and with no warning. It is impossible to describe the feelings, emotions and questions that come sometimes in a torrent but often times as subtle as a gentle rain. Of course everyone understands the initial shock and the could of, should of, would of syndrome....but when that goes away what is left?

Life goes on...Yes - after a whirlwind adrenaline rush of doctors, hospitals, decisions and the total panic of choosing a casket, following a hearse and hearing the 'dust to dust' thing - life goes on...but never the same.

I suppose I could join a support group, see a therapist or even just ignore all the feelings and thoughts...but perhaps, if I can put it down in writing and see it all before me, I can begin to make some kind of sense out of it. It is so much bigger than life - this dying thing. And for those of us left behind it is a constant reminder of how short life really is.